Redefining Strength: Men's Mental Health and Healing

In this emotionally charged episode of Open Seat, DJ Vallejo shares his journey of faith when overcoming challenges, battling suicidal thoughts, and regaining faith. Raised by a single mother who battled cancer, DJ discusses the struggles of growing up without a father, the importance of mental health for men, and how faith and community helped him heal. DJ works to remove the stigma of men and mental health and invites men struggling to reach out for help. Tune in for an inspiring conversation about resilience, vulnerability, and the power of support systems within the community and the church family.

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Open Seat es un podcast Parroquia de la Sagrada Familia ubicada en Adrian, Michigan. Somos un pueblo católico, no un lugar, que se esfuerza por vivir a Jesús celebrando los sacramentos y formando discípulos en Adrian y más allá.

Transcript

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Men don't have to grow up and get over things and think that their mental health doesn't matter because it does. I never had my father growing up in my household. I was raised by my mom, single mom, trying to raise a man, which is very hard to do. For me it was, it was more of perception and me getting told, tough it out, get over it, you'll be fine. Welcome to Open Seat, the podcast where we create a space for authentic conversations about faith, unfiltered and unapologetic. Here, we believe that every story matters. Whether you're questioning, seeking, or steadfast in your beliefs, you'll find something relatable in these heartfelt discussions. So grab your seat, get comfortable, and let's dive into today's story here at Open Seat. So today, in the Open Seat, we have DJ Vallejo joining us. Glad to be here. Oh, thank you so much for saying yes. I was excited when you asked me to consider being on the podcast So this is always my question. What makes people so excited about this? for me it's something different. I watch a lot of them. A lot of podcasts I watched were during some of the rougher times of my life, and so they helped me Change and become who I am today. It'd be just nice to be on one and share my story and Hopefully impact somebody the same way. So why don't you just tell us who you are. Devon is my real name. I go by DJ a lot. Born and raised here in Adrian all 26 years of my life Got my little sister, Olivia. She's 10. She serves in the church. As do you. Yep. As do I which took a little bit of getting used to but I actually enjoy it now One of my favorite things is just seeing you up there because I remember that confirmation young man. Which I'm dating myself now. But I've been working for the church for a minute and I remember volunteering at that time with, with John Dick and having the privilege of being able to see you make your confirmation, but having that conversation where I asked you why you wanted to be confirmed. Do you remember that answer? I do, yeah. My answer back then was because my grandma is Catholic. She's been Catholic all her life, raised that way, she raised my mom that way. Raised myself and my little sister that way, so in turn, that's how I want my family to be raised well. I actually just got goosebumps from that again, because that is never an answer I hear when I ask people why you want to be confirmed. But it is such a powerful answer from like a 15 year old young man at the time. So, and you do volunteer in the church. I do. Let's talk about that because you're a reader and also you have been super helpful with the kids. You've done confirmation class, which whenever your work schedule allows you to come back, we would love to have you. And you're especially instrumental in our Holy Thursday processions. That all started with, Ms. Patty Cabrera. During our young adult classes, she kind of volunt-told me that I was going to help babysit the kids during Holy Thursday and it's just been a thing ever since it is, it's so funny because the kids are petrified of you of who are the world's biggest teddy bear. They're just like oh Ms. Katie and I'm like you should probably be more scared of me than that man over there but you know, you want to be scared of him go for it. And I can tell when I work with you that you do love it And So, it's such a joy to be able to do that with you So thank you No problem. For your dedication to the church. It's always fun. The kids are great. Sometimes, they get a little scared of me. But the ones that have been here for as long as I have, they're like, No, It's fine. he's not going to, do anything. They're all well behaved. So it's always easy to volunteer and hang out with the kids for a few hours. And I think part of that is your appearance, right? We ask you wear things that are especially fun. Your chains and your motorcycle vest because perception of DJ is very different than what DJ is, right? It really is. Can we talk about that a little bit? Beacuse I appreciate that. When I think people see DJ, they see this like really scary intimidating man, Cause you, you do have a big presence, which is great. But like I said, biggest teddy bear I've ever met in my life, and one of my favorite things is Sunday when I hear that roar into the parking lot, and I'm like, oh, DJ's here. It's so funny because he gets off his motorcycle and then walks up and starts reading the Word of God. And it's powerful to see a young man who just lives who he is authentically and still has such a deep faith. And shares it with others, freely. Another thing I want to talk about is, can we talk about your tattoos a little bit? Can we Get into those? Okay, so, to look at your hands, right now, you can see a gun, right? So you want to talk about that meaning a little bit? It has a couple of different meanings. The first meaning is in 2021, roughly a little over a year after my mom's passing, I was going through some other things and it all just kind of hit me at once. I didn't really properly grieve losing my mother on top of other things. And so, in November, 2021, I attempted to commit suicide. And I attempted with a, gun. this specific gun. there is a rapper that I listen to, Kevin Gates, and some of his music actually helped me heal, and as well as the podcast I was referring to earlier where, they had him on them. And a lot of his stuff he talks about, it's all over the place, but there's a lot of powerful meaning behind some of the words he says. And so, he's got something like this as well. So between that and what I tried to do is why I got this on my hand. And do you have any other tattoos you want to share? I have my mom on my bicep. I got that, six months after she passed away, Mother's Day weekend. So it's her, but it's her with a Halloween costume on. She dressed up as a sugar skull. And then I have Philippians 4: 13 on my collarbone. I got that two months before my mom passed away. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Yep. I got that because watching her battle cancer for five years just gave me the same mindset. So your mom passed away how many years ago? Just over four years ago. It was four years ago. last saturday. And she battled for five years? How was it watching your mom battle cancer? The first few years weren't as bad. She was still moving around, walking around, doing everything she could, between doing treatments here in Adrian, going to Houston, because we have an aunt who worked at MD Anderson, so she went down there for a second opinion for some months, and then there's a hospital in Detroit like a trial hospital doing that. So those first three, four years weren't as bad. It was the that last year, just before COVID started, January 2020 is when she really started declining more. But she couldn't handle the treatment. Her body was just too tired to go through chemo and radiation again. So she was trying to get herself stronger to go back to doing treatment, but she just couldn't handle it. Just through that year, just everything started going downhill. During the five years that you watched your mom battle, what did you learn about yourself and your faith? During those years, my faith was challenged a lot. Some days were better than others. I didn't question God. I questioned just why was the one person who I knew didn't deserve this going through all this. And so you kind of walked away from your faith for a little while, right? I did. After her funeral, I heavily got involved with alcohol and drugs. I stepped away from the church for about a year and a half, closer to two years, maybe. I just, I couldn't be in the church. Every time I went to church, all I saw was the funeral and all those feelings came back and I just couldn't, I couldn't do it. So, I stepped away, like I said, about a year and a half, two years. And during that time is when I tried to commit suicide. And, right after I attempted, I went and got help. Started talking to Father Mike. Was talking to him about every week, every couple of weeks, and started doing things to just get myself better. And eventually I did, That, that help from Father Mike did do a lot for me and then about, about two years after that, is when you invited me to the young adult classes it really brought me back to my faith and going through that and made me even stronger in my faith, so without doing all that and without the friendship that I made with Eli, Janice and Victor, I don't think I would've came back. I remember, actually, you extended your own invitation, you didn't realize it, because you said to me, you know, the young adult group should really read Life is Messy by Matthew Kelly. That was a big thing that really helped you a lot with a lot of things. And I was kind of like, yes, why don't you come and lead that? I believe your response was a typical no, when I asked people to do those kinds of things. But then you started showing up. And there was a community that was formed there that still continues beyond this thing. Cause outside of Young Adult, you and Victor were hanging out. Doing some things, right? Yep, we hung out every once in a while. We'd go, we try to go watch the Tigers game. We talk almost every day. Went out with their family once or twice, I believe. So yeah, going to a young adult and forming that really close friendship with Victor, which we're still pretty close to this day. We at least talk every day after church. It was nice. That's the thing that I appreciate the most about a lot of things we do here. We form communities. And within those communities, people extend themselves and help each other. And I remember there was periods of time where, especially Eli, if I remember correctly, was like, we haven't seen DJ in a while. Is everything okay with him? And so once those communities are formed, then nobody gets left behind after that point. because I, know when you were facing your dark times, you were pretty alone in a lot of that. But now I know we've had some conversations and there's, you might think you're going down some dark roads, but you're not going alone. There's a lot of people who are going with you for that fight. Honestly, the big thing is for me, before I got that help, men's mental health, it just, it was non existent. Nobody believes in it. A lot of men, especially around my age, even older, are raised to think that men don't cry, men can't cry. Tough it out, get over it. And that's a big thing towards men's suicide. They don't think they have anybody to talk to. And that was a big thing for me. I didn't think I had anybody to talk to until I reached out and got the help. That's the first step in it. Everybody has something to talk to men don't have to grow up and get over things and think that their mental health doesn't matter. Cause it does. I never had my father growing up in my household. I was raised by my mom, single mom, trying to raise a man, which is very hard to do. For me it was, it was more of perception and me getting told, tough it out, get over it, you'll be fine. Internally or by people? Internally and by people. The people that surround you, you don't really know. Like high school, a lot of those guys except for one, which I actually met before in driver's ed and met him again at a confirmation class besides that, I don't have any friends from high school, but that the one Chris, I met him in driver's ed and that was almost 12 years ago, I believe. And we were friends then, then he ended up at the confirmation classes. So we've been friends, best friends, almost brothers for the better part of a decade. And he's really the only one that I Confided in when it comes to personal things like that. Before I got help, I really didn't confide him in and all that. We just had a lot to bond over. So Yeah. And now you have these real people who actually say like. I have your back You need something, you tell us and we're there. I got this very touching letter from you, last Lent, I think it was, that described exactly that, right? Like, I know that if I need something, you will be there. And quite honestly, that's probably one of the best compliments I've ever received in my life. Because I have known you for a minute. And we've talked about a lot of things. I'm blessed to be able to do that with you. But I want to make sure that one of the things you understand is that those perceptions of how things are are not really what it is. And so walking through your journey, how did you start to quiet those voices that were so loud for a while? For me, it was a big part of, first it was watching the podcast and understanding that, not everybody walks the same path as everybody else. And that if you surround yourself with the right people that you can get the help that you need as far as having somebody to talk to or having somebody just to vent to or hang out with, get things off your chest. And even after my mom's passing a lot of the people that were there to help are still there like Ms. Kathy. She was a big part of that five year journey for us and to this day, she's still around. She's still a big part of Olivia's life as far as making sure she comes to Wednesday classes all that other stuff and she's still even there for me as far as what I'm going through now, through the academy, periodically she's just checking on me and asking me how things are Yeah. So, for a while you were working in Ohio, as a Corrections officer. And most recently you just got a job locally doing the same thing, right? So how has that affected your life, being a corrections officer? It's opened up my eyes in a big way. First I never thought I was going to be in this field of work. Before that I worked here in Teva factory and Adrian for just shy of four years. And then I worked for Pepsi and then I quit Pepsi to work at, Lucas County correctional treatment facility. And that kind of opened my eyes in a bigger way. Personally being on both sides of that and having that experience down in Lucas County was different. And I've experienced a few different things down there also that put me deeper in my faith. And so me wanting just to be closer to home, I had applied for a job locally here and got accepted, so now I'm going through the process of coming back home to work here. Are you excited about this or a little nervous? I think in this profession if you're not nervous, it's kind of dangerous. nervousness for me really only comes for being in a newer environment, bigger environment. The possibilities are a lot different when it comes to being up here. It's slightly more dangerous. Dangerous no matter where you go, but being in the place where I'm at, it'll be slightly more dangerous. But It's not for the weak the training you got to take very seriously or you're going to cause yourself or others serious physical injury. And you have a lot to lose at this point in life, right? You've talked about your sister, Olivia but why don't you tell us a little bit about what your relationship with Olivia is and.. It's different than most. Cause I'm 26, she's 10, so there's a big 16 year age gap between the two of us. A lot of people think she's my daughter, especially the ones that don't really know us outside of our family or our church. But nonetheless, she still is my little sister. I still treat her as such, take care of her. All that stuff. But after our mom passed away, me and my grandma did assume legal guardianship of her. So in a sense, she is like my child, and I teach her and protect her as such. And everything I've ever known you to work for in the last couple years has been to be able to take care of Olivia. Mm hmm. Because grandma's wonderful, But she's not getting any younger. Nope. Nope. Our grandma is definitely heaven sent. But, one thing I've learned is life is unexpected. I didn't expect to lose my mom at a young age, but here we are. And so now I gotta work even harder to make sure that, Olivia doesn't go through the things that I went to it at a younger age. I had to grow up at a young age and not enjoy my young life, which I have had my moments where I did enjoy it, but most of it has been spent working and trying to make a life for myself and make a better life for her since now she is my responsibility. Your mom was a single mom, but your dad has been in and out of your life a little bit, right? So you want to describe the relationship you've had with your dad and how that's either tested or strengthened your faith? So my dad had left us when I was about three or four. Didn't see him for a few years. As a kid, I'd go visit him every other weekend. But, he was always busy working or doing something else. He was still young. Trying to enjoy his life and really, like I said, he was working a lot, just trying to pay all his bills and stuff. So he struggled as well. Going into my teenage years, I kind of realized, some of the stuff he had done in his past and I really didn't care for him then. Still in and out of my life. And then even in my adult life, we've had our moments where we've argued, fell off, made up and repeated time and time again. Right now we're building a relationship. It's going good so far, but things change, people change. So I kind of just take it day by day and don't really expect too much out of it. Just going with the flow and seeing how it goes when it comes to me and him having that relationship. People just come and go, you can't depend on everybody, everybody's not there to support you or love you or be your friend. Some are just there to find things out and then talk about you behind your back. And honestly, with that, I've learned that not every person is a person to vent to. Vents go to open rooms. So just be careful who you involve yourself with and It's really just about finding people you trust. I found the people that I trust and a lot of them were here in this church and We've built those relationships. We've built those bonds. Like when I'm not at church they asked my grandma about me Which is a remarkable thing to have a community where you're known by name and not just face, but it's noticed if your presence is missing. so, you have had some decisions, let's say, you've made some mistakes, and you've had some things happen to you that have been unfortunate. What advice would you give someone who's younger to help them get through some of those times when life hasn't exactly handed them the best situations? My advice to them is if you need the help, find it. Don't think you're alone. I thought I was alone and that put me in a really dark spot. Instead of looking for the help that I needed, I kind of just closed myself off and mentally and emotionally just shut down for everybody kind of pushed everybody out of my life. Because at that point in time, I thought I had, I shut everybody out and just no contact with them and did what I was going to do and make things a lot easier. But it didn't make anything easier. It made everybody more upset that I didn't reach out to'em If they need to help find it, don't wait. There's plenty of resources out there for people to use to get through what they're going through. In life, your faith is going to be tested. and when you find those people that pull you back into your faith. Like for me, my faith, more deeply connected now that I was before I went through everything. And that's in part, too, the people that I'm surrounded myself with who pushed me to keep coming and involving myself in the church more. It's easy to find friends, and I actually probably should use the air quotes, friends who will say yes to everything you want, right? Like, oh yeah, DJ, you're doing great, don't worry about it. But to find friends who actually want to push you to be the person that they know you can be, I think that's really what has propelled you to be who you are today. Your family has been a strong advocate for you and your friends would go to the ends of the earth for you. I've seen it. I think one thing that could be said to help people with mental health is those are the tapes you need to listen to. Not the ones that you think you hear in your head, but the ones that people are actually saying to you And putting them on repeat. Because I think what happens sometimes is that we shut everybody out, we try to get them quiet because there's noise. lot of it. And it's hard to decipher that noise. But help would help you discern which noise you need to hear and which noise you don't. Exactly. Any ideas of resources people can turn to? The suicide Helpline. Any local therapist, or for me, like I said, it was Father Mike, the pastor here, and Adrian. Anybody you feel like you can confide in or trust. Like I said, for me, it was hard for me at first, and even at first talking to Father Mike, it was, it was hard for me to, to talk about what I was going through, To my pastor who I see every Sunday who, thinks everything's all fine and everything until I finally told him I wasn't okay and sat in his office and just told him what was going on and it took quite a few sessions with that and, also the the spiritual guidance I did with Ms. Phyllis. Yeah. Phyllis Sikora did your spiritual direction. Yeah. Are you still doing that? No. we completed that a couple months ago, I believe. but we still have that connection to where if I need to talk about anything or anything like that, I still have her number and her email. she's a wonderful woman. So what was spiritual direction? So, once a month, or whenever she was available I'd go in Talk to her about how I was doing in my faith and my church Things that were going on at work and Everything in between we built that relationship during spiritual direction she would just she would give me some advice just to dig deeper into my faith and question me about just certain aspects of it. And during that time, I actually felt a real deep, connection with my faith. It was during an incident at my old job and that kind of just, It pushed me deeper into my faith because I realized that sometimes those guardian angels or the people looking after you they can be real. So this is something you would recommend to other people too, right? Spiritual direction is an not just doing for faith and really helping you decipher some of those noises that we're that we're hearing in the world Especially if they're questioning their faith. I know you recommend the book, Life is Messy. that still a recommendation? Yeah. for going through some stuff? Yep. It definitely opened my mind up to realize that everybody goes through things and some people have it worse than others. I think one thing that a lot of people do nowadays is they compare their lives to everybody else, and it's more due to social media. And it was something that I heard about that, is that, everything on social media isn't what it seems to be. A of people use social media as a facade to just show off the better part of life, but they don't show the struggles and the pain and suffering they went through to get to where they are and what they have. I think it's in Life is Messy. It does talk about social media and perceptions and there's a complete chapter on It it's fascinating stuff. How it messes with your mind and, you're right. we only show like five percent of our lives on social media, but it's the best 5%. It's the highlight reel of your life. And so, well, why wouldn't you think this is going to be happy and so when you're in those dark moments and then you're flipping through and you're like, well, this person's doing this, this, and this, why can't I do it? Well, it's not going to help you. No, and that's a big part of it. There's even a lot of things that go wrong like people will say, well, this person doesn't make as much as me, but they're going on twice the vacations that I get to go on. And why is that? Well, some people don't have the same responsibilities you have, so they can go and do whatever they want with it. And the ones that have responsibilities, you gotta take care of responsibilities first. And that's a big part of life. Like some people say they're broke. Well, you just paid all your bills. So you're not broke. You still have a house. You still have food. You still have your car. You just don't have money to go do. Perception, right? I've heard it said that comparison is the thief of joy. And like we, we all have our own crosses to bear and it I'm comparing mine to yours then I'm to really take away from what's joyful my life. God gives us what we need for the time that we're walking through things. And if we were to short circuit some of those trials and tribulations, we probably wouldn't come out with the strength to endure what's coming next. That was a big part of our young adult group is we had those deep conversations that needed to be had. And I think that helped open all of our eyes, especially like our group. We'd sit there and talk. We had some very deep conversations about that kind of stuff. right? It's always amazing to me when I learn so many fascinating things sitting here in the Open Seat from people. It's a privilege really to be able to hear people's stories. but you see these people. And there are people I've known for a while, or there are people I'm just getting to know, but you know certain things about them, but then you find out more. And, it's a privilege. It is a privilege. Even those listening to this, I hope they acknowledge what a privilege it is to be able to hear people's real vulnerability through this stuff, Like you were saying, podcasts have helped you. I could only hope that this podcast would help somebody with something. And mental health is something we don't discuss near enough. So I hope that, especially in the male community, but I hope that somebody who needed to hear that hears that today, that there are those people. Your face will be plastered here to Texas, it feels like, by our wonderful, social media coordinator, Maria. Is there any chance, if someone wanted to talk, they could talk to you about things? Absolutely. Not saying that I've been through it all, but I've been through enough to where, I have more of a listening ear than a running mouth. A lot of people just try to tell you what you want to hear instead of just listening to what you're going through and just being that person that they can open up to and vent to. And that's the main problem nowadays is you tell somebody one thing and next thing you know a hundred people know what you're going through because they wanted to run off and tell people. I've had that happen to me before where there was only a select few people that knew what had happened but next thing I know half the city knows what happened to And you're at mostly the bilingual mass, because that's where you read and do your ministry. so if anybody needed to, they would be able to find you at that Mass and they could approach you and have a conversation. Definitely I'm always at the 12 o'clock Mass, with my grandma and Olivia. And now my little cousin Gabriel, he's getting into his faith. He is. And you're his sponsor for that journey. I am, And I was honored to accept that position. Not my first time, but it's definitely still an honor whenever you get asked to help guide somebody in their faith. Yeah, it's always really powerful to me when I get to see people that I've worked with now passing on their faith as witness. You know, that's probably the greatest testimony you can give somebody is just to pass on what you've already gotten. And actually in talking to Gabriel, I see the admiration he has for you. so, it's going to be a beautiful thing when he gets baptized at the Easter Vigil. Oh, yeah. he's excited about it. I'm excited about it. He wasn't raised like myself or Olivia, but, he actually, texted my grandma himself and had told her that he wanted to start coming to church and start learning about the faith and he wanted to do all these things. It will be a great moment for a lot of people when he does that. Anything else you want else you want to share with us today, DJ? If anybody needs anything, there's resources out there. I'm nine and a half times out of ten at the twelve o'clock mass. I'm not perfect, I do miss church every now and again, but, I try. Maybe a birthday weekend or two gets a little too out of hand. Something like that. Well, thank you so much for joining us and, we're so grateful that you share your gifts and talents with everybody. Thank you for having me. Once again, we thank you for joining us today. We hope that wherever you find an open seat in your life, you will invite someone to join you.